Post by Thorne on Jun 13, 2018 16:17:37 GMT -5
Honestly, I might be crazy. Hell, I'm scared that I'm just a poser with a psychosis revolving around real life vampires. I guess I just want confirmation one way or the other. To either confirm or break the curse as it were.
I've always been fascinated by vampires. My first Halloween costume I chose was a cheesy Dracula costume, and I always loved watching vampire-based movies. (Sue me, Hollywood might be wrong on many levels, but who doesn't like a little exaggeration?) Frankly, this is what worries me that I -want- to be a vampire so much that I actually believe it, but there are also parts of me that are unsure. The signs I see could be pure state of mind, but here I'm going to type out all of my "vampiric experiences" for any real-life passer by to judge and help "diagnose" me.
As I said, I was always interested in vampires. But there was also a reason for that. I lived between parents for most of my life. Whenever I spent the weekend at my mother's house, my father would complain that I had marks on my neck. I remember seeing them in the mirror, and in hindsight it looked like I was getting hickeys. I never remember my parents beating me when I was younger, but they certainly never bruised my neck. That's where my fascination first began. Imagine a little kid already hyped about vampires, waking up to find a "bite mark" every morning right on their neck. Back then I was really tan. My family was Mediterranean in lineage, so we were pretty dark-skinned. So by that knowledge, I know I wasn't a vampire in youth. I did, however, have a slight fascination with blood. I used to hate it when my friends would "cut" because the dried patch of congealed crimson nectar rustled something dwelling below. (Yeah, this sounds like I'm setting up to try being a vampire, I know.) Of course, I never fed. There were a lot of things I hid about myself. I had to hide behind a cheery mask, pretending that I was someone else. I made it through highschool without any incidents. I still hadn't fed (unless you count the one time I had to bite my abusive stepfather in a struggle and received a miniscule dosage of his blood) Even a few years following my graduation I was without incident. I took the night shift, slept most of the day, and shut myself away in the darkest part of my room that I could. (It had nothing to do with vampirism. I didn't mind sunlight or going on walks. But when I was relaxing, I genuinely wanted to be in a safe, dark place. In fact, the incidents didn't start occurring until just a few days ago. My boyfriend is a witch (pagan elder), and a psi-vampire. He insists sang's don't exist and it's just a fantasy. But I decided to finally say fuck it. I cooked up a rare steak just to see if there was any difference in how I felt. Immediately after the first bite I felt a warm sensation trickling down my body. I would describe it as euphoria, but that wouldn't quite do it justice. It felt like I was lifting away a pain that had been there all my life. And in the couple days that followed I felt complete in a way. No more anxiety, no more mood-swings, no more living hell! Then I started to hit a downward slope. By this point, I was positive that the result was a need for that same feeling. I'm no druggie, but I would relate it to a watered down withdrawal. It started with a pain at the bottom of my gut, and then evolved into that same, numb feeling I've been used to all these years. Now I'm two weeks without a "drink" and when I look at people I get hungry. Heck, I started kissing my boyfriend's neck (which he hates to all hell because I linger there and he feels unsafe)
Am I crazy? Am I just a psycho who needs to be put in a mental ward?
Update: I did look through the list of traits (and more than 90% of the website) and forgot to put those thoughts down here as well. My skin changes hue every day between pale and light tan. I constantly avoid sunlight because I feel a noticeable difference in temperature between light and shade. Even at night I avoid street lamps and keep as many lights out as my lover allows. There is a ring of black around my iris, though I'm fairly certain it's always been there. When I partook in my rare steak I felt on top of the world for a while, my skin pigment even stabilized for a couple days. In my 2 week fast (no other option) my hearing has picked up, and my paranoia, lethargy, and mood swings have increased noticeably.
I've always been fascinated by vampires. My first Halloween costume I chose was a cheesy Dracula costume, and I always loved watching vampire-based movies. (Sue me, Hollywood might be wrong on many levels, but who doesn't like a little exaggeration?) Frankly, this is what worries me that I -want- to be a vampire so much that I actually believe it, but there are also parts of me that are unsure. The signs I see could be pure state of mind, but here I'm going to type out all of my "vampiric experiences" for any real-life passer by to judge and help "diagnose" me.
As I said, I was always interested in vampires. But there was also a reason for that. I lived between parents for most of my life. Whenever I spent the weekend at my mother's house, my father would complain that I had marks on my neck. I remember seeing them in the mirror, and in hindsight it looked like I was getting hickeys. I never remember my parents beating me when I was younger, but they certainly never bruised my neck. That's where my fascination first began. Imagine a little kid already hyped about vampires, waking up to find a "bite mark" every morning right on their neck. Back then I was really tan. My family was Mediterranean in lineage, so we were pretty dark-skinned. So by that knowledge, I know I wasn't a vampire in youth. I did, however, have a slight fascination with blood. I used to hate it when my friends would "cut" because the dried patch of congealed crimson nectar rustled something dwelling below. (Yeah, this sounds like I'm setting up to try being a vampire, I know.) Of course, I never fed. There were a lot of things I hid about myself. I had to hide behind a cheery mask, pretending that I was someone else. I made it through highschool without any incidents. I still hadn't fed (unless you count the one time I had to bite my abusive stepfather in a struggle and received a miniscule dosage of his blood) Even a few years following my graduation I was without incident. I took the night shift, slept most of the day, and shut myself away in the darkest part of my room that I could. (It had nothing to do with vampirism. I didn't mind sunlight or going on walks. But when I was relaxing, I genuinely wanted to be in a safe, dark place. In fact, the incidents didn't start occurring until just a few days ago. My boyfriend is a witch (pagan elder), and a psi-vampire. He insists sang's don't exist and it's just a fantasy. But I decided to finally say fuck it. I cooked up a rare steak just to see if there was any difference in how I felt. Immediately after the first bite I felt a warm sensation trickling down my body. I would describe it as euphoria, but that wouldn't quite do it justice. It felt like I was lifting away a pain that had been there all my life. And in the couple days that followed I felt complete in a way. No more anxiety, no more mood-swings, no more living hell! Then I started to hit a downward slope. By this point, I was positive that the result was a need for that same feeling. I'm no druggie, but I would relate it to a watered down withdrawal. It started with a pain at the bottom of my gut, and then evolved into that same, numb feeling I've been used to all these years. Now I'm two weeks without a "drink" and when I look at people I get hungry. Heck, I started kissing my boyfriend's neck (which he hates to all hell because I linger there and he feels unsafe)
Am I crazy? Am I just a psycho who needs to be put in a mental ward?
Update: I did look through the list of traits (and more than 90% of the website) and forgot to put those thoughts down here as well. My skin changes hue every day between pale and light tan. I constantly avoid sunlight because I feel a noticeable difference in temperature between light and shade. Even at night I avoid street lamps and keep as many lights out as my lover allows. There is a ring of black around my iris, though I'm fairly certain it's always been there. When I partook in my rare steak I felt on top of the world for a while, my skin pigment even stabilized for a couple days. In my 2 week fast (no other option) my hearing has picked up, and my paranoia, lethargy, and mood swings have increased noticeably.
